Uncle Matt Reviews Everything (Classic BMW sucks)
The title is a play on Orson Scott Card’s “Uncle Orson Reviews Everything” which I used to read all the time, but don’t often anymore because, although he is my favorite author of all time, I don’t get the impression I would like OSC in real life very much. He has just a little bit of an elitist attitude that comes across pretty strongly in his columns (he also writes a regular column for The Ornery American, a rather conservative political web site). He scores major points for introducing me to Eric Snider, who I also used to enjoy reading. I changed computers about the time that he was let go from his job for a perceived conflict of interest in a story he wrote. I didn’t move the bookmark over, and as many of you who know me are aware, I don’t browse the web very often. If I don’t have it bookmarked, I probably don’t go there.
So for this week, I guess those are my first two reviews OSC’s weekly column gets 2 stars, (out of 5) and Snider, assuming he has resumed writing will get 4 stars. Note: I just went and re-bookmarked the sites again. I have to lower Eric’s rating to 3 stars, as he now charges to read any of his new columns. The movie reviews are still free.
Next, we’ll review some recent customer service experiences I have had. We’ll go in chronological order:
Classic BMW sucks.
Well, I guess I have tipped my hand on this one, but I want to see if I can get “Classic BMW sucks” indexed in Google. For anyone unclear, that’s Classic BMW, in Richardson, TX, on Central Expwy (US 75). They suck. Yes, Classic BMW sucks.
OK, that should do it.
I got the battery replaced in my car recently. Well, when I did, that pretty much involved cutting power to my radio, which immediately came to the conclusion that it had been stolen. The anti-theft system kicked in, and the radio would not play again until I entered a CODE (caps BMW’s, not mine). No problem, I thought, I’ll call Classic (they suck) and get them to read me the code, so I can play American radio again.
Side note: Apparently Japanese car radios do not have anti-theft systems. Don’t know why. Maybe Japanese folks don’t steal radios. Regardless, if I went into admin mode on the radio and convinced it I was in Japan, then the radio and CD would play. Unfortunately, the standard frequencies for Japan are not the same (or even similar) on the AM or FM bands, so this was, at best, an interim solution.
Anyway, back to Classic BMW, who sucks. So I called them, and asked for the radio code. “You have to bring it in” they reply.
“why?” I ask.
“So we can get the serial number off the back of the radio.” says Gary, the idiot (although I did not realize that he was an idiot at the time).
“You don’t have the serial number in your database?” I ask incredulously.
“Nope.” Gary the idiot responds.
“BMW has no record of what radio they put in my car by the VIN number?” I asked (having written systems for Ford and Land Rover, I know that this is not true, unless BMW is run exclusively by imbeciles).
“Nope, no record at all.” I now have my first inkling that Gary (the idiot) is an idiot.
“Well, you guys are quite a long drive over there for me, can I just read the serial number off to you?”
“Sure, you have to pull the radio out of the dash.”
“There’s no other way?”
“Nope.”
I am surprised by this, but I do not know any better, so I head out into my driveway, and proceed to pull the radio out of my dashboard. There is nothing labeled “Serial Number” or “SN#”. I place another call to Gary, the idiot, who works at Classic BMW, which sucks.
“Which one of these numbers is the serial number?”
“I dunno.” (I now no longer merely suspect that Gary is an idiot.)
“What is the format of a serial number? Numbers, letters? How many digits?”
“I dunno.” (I resist the urge to scream).
“Try this… DSX548920356″
“Too long.”
“How do you know it’s too long?”
“Computer won’t accept it.”
“Well, Gary (you simple-minded shit) how many did it accept before it refused?”
“9″ Now we’re getting somewhere.
“OK try this 9 digit number…”
“It took that. Now you know we’re not supposed to give these out.”
“Then why do you have a computer program to look them up?”
“I dunno.” He’s nothing if not consistent.
“What’s the code? I am sitting in my car, I’ll try it while you are on the phone.”
“XYZZY” Of course I chaged the code, because I don’t want any of you goofballs reading this to steal my radio.
I enter XYZZY. You see this coming, right? “Code didn’t work.”
“What do you mean, it didn’t work?”
Let me say it slowly for you, you dim-witted pimple on the ass of humanity… “It. Did. Not. Work.”
(For those of you who think I am being too hard on Gary, the idiot who who works at Classic BMW, which sucks, keep in mind, I know where this story is headed, and I am angry about things I have not told you yet.)
“It still says CODE?”
“Yep, that’s pretty much what ‘It did not work’ means.”
“Oh, ok, you will have to bring it in.”
“Why? What are you going to do that we can’t do over the phone?”
“We’re going to take the radio and send it to California for re-programming.” (sounds oddly like removing an impressionable teenager from a cult, doesn’t it?)
“How long does that take?”
“About a week.”
“You have got to be kidding me. And who pays for this little adventure?”
“You do, it’s your radio, and it’s not under warranty.”
“I don’t care if it’s under warranty or not, this is a manufacturer’s defect if you have the wrong code, and I am not going to pay for it, you are.”
“No, we’re not.”
“That’s total bullshit.” This is the very first time I have cursed at Gary, the idiot, who works at Classic BMW, which sucks.
“Well, sir, I have done everything I can do for you.”
“Which is exactly nothing.” Screaming angry, I hang up.
Classic BMW sucks. Remember that this is a review? They get zero stars. None. They did nothing to help me. And I refuse to believe that this is an unusual situation. People change batteries all the time. And yet they were totally unequipped to handle my issue.
So, the story continues with my next review.
John Roberts BMW
I call and leave a message, explaining that I have a radio asking for it’s CODE.
John calls back in about 5 minutes. (notice that John has not earned an epithet)
“We need you to stop by, to verify ownership.” This strikes me as a reasonable request, given that I have not done business with John Roberts before. I HAD done business with Classic BMW (sucks) before, so they were held to a slightly different standard.
“I will come by tomorrow at 4.”
“OK, I will be out of the office tomorrow, but I will make sure Peter is up to speed and is ready to take care of you. Just ask for him when you get here.” (Notice how John deflects a potential problem before it ever becomes an issue.)
(skip to tomorrow)
“I’m here to see Peter, he should be expecting me.”
“First desk.”
(explain issue to Peter, total elapsed time, 90 secs.)
“I have the serial number, I pulled the stereo myself.”
“You pulled it out of the dash? You don’t have to do that. You can get the radio to report it’s own serial number from admin mode.” I knew this by now, but I present it to the reader as further evidence that Gary (idiot) from Classic BMW (sucks) is a simpleton.
“Do you know if it as Alpine or Blaupunkt stereo?”
“Blaupunkt”
“OK, I’ll go ahead and write the codes for both down, just in case.” Uh…. both? They had two radios with the same serial number?
“Thanks”
I leave, go to the parking lot, and type the code into my radio. It works. Unlocks instantly, just the way it was supossed to. I look at the Alpine code… “XYZZY”
That idiot never asked. He never bothered to figure out what kind of radio I had.
Regardless… John Roberts took care of a simple problem in the expected amount of time. Total elapsed time? About 4 minutes.
5 stars. Simply doing what you are supposed to should not warrant a perfect score, but they get bonus points for not being Classic BMW, which still sucks.
OK… non car related reviews of customer service…
CompUSA (4 stars) and Best Buy(3 stars). Both their rating for simply doing what they said they would do. In specific, honoring their return policies, without making me feel as though I had committed some terrible act of heresy by asking them to honor said policy. Actually, CompUSA went a little above and beyond, which is why I rated them a little higher. I wish I could tell the story about what they did for me, but I think I might get someone in trouble, so I better not. Suffice it to say, they took care of me.
The next entry will be the reviews of the products that I purchased at CompUSA and Best Buy, respectively, and maybe something else, we’ll see how the mood strikes me.
There you are - proof that one person’s customer service abilities (or lack of) can make a difference! I wonder if you would have had the same outcome if anyone other than Gary (idiot) - that is his name, isn’t it - had answered your calls…